Deep Thoughts

You learn something new everyday. Actually, you learn something old everyday. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew about it. Columbus is a good example of this.
You can't have it both ways. That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can't have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.
Life is short. Sorry. Life is not short, it's just that since everything else lasts so long -- mountains, rivers, stars, planets -- life seems short. Actually life lasts just the right amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand, is short.
You show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I'll show you the people in charge.
For a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
Sometimes the label on the can says, "fancy peas." Then, you get 'em home and they're really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about 'em at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them, they would be fancy. But as it is . . .
Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl.
Someone said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
As soon as a person tells you they have a surprise for you, they have lost the element of surprise.
Which is taller, a short-order cook or a small-engine mechanic?
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
If a speed freak went to Rapid City to make a quick buck in fast food he might sell instant coffee in an express lane.
I'm bringing out my own line of colognes. You've heard of Eternity, Obsession, and Passion? Mine is Stench! I'm offering a choice of five fragrances: Bait Shop, Animal Waste, Landfill, Human Remains, and Chemical Toilet.
I finally accepted Jesus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
If you fall asleep in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken.
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
When you buy a six-foot dildo and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not just the anatomy, but the limits of credibility.
Look at all the self-help titles in the bookstore and you'll get a few clues about our culture. They're all about aggression and acquisition. It wouldn't be at all surprising to see a book called How to Force Your Will on Other People by Giving Them the Shaft and Fucking Them out of Their Money.
It used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda, Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel! What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these? Further proof America has lost its edge.
Since 1983, more than thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps changing. There's a lot of pressure. "How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can't keep track! Fuck it!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!
Being Irish, I guess I should resent the Notre Dame nickname, "The Fighting Irish." After all, how long do you think nicknames like "The Bargaining Jews" or "The Murdering Italians" would last? Only the ironic Irish could be so naively honest. I get the feeling that Notre Dame came real close to naming itself "The Fuckin' Drunken, Thick-skulled, Brawling, Short-dicked Irish."
Strictly speaking, celibate does not mean not having sex, it means not being married. No wedding. The practice of refraining from sex is called chastity or sexual abstinence. No fucking. Priests don't take a vow of celibacy, they take a vow of chastity. Sometimes referred to as the "no-nookie clause."
Momentarily means for a moment, not in a moment. The word for "in a moment" is presently. "I will be there presently, Dad, and then, after pausing momentarily, I will kick you in the nuts."
I know I'm fighting a losing battle with this one, but I refuse to surrender: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an implosion. It is the inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. Fuck you!
A cop out is not an excuse, not even a weak one; it is an admission of guilt. When someone "cops a plea," he admits guilt to some charge, in exchange for better treatment. He has "copped out." When a guy says, "I didn't get to fuck her because I reminded her of her little brother," he is making an excuse. But if he says, "I didn't get to fuck her because I'm an unattractive schmuck," he is copping out. The trouble arises when an excuse contains a small amount of self-incriminating truth.
The difference between show business and a gang bang is that in show business everybody wants to go on last
I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the seven deadly sins: greed, anger, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is. "It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to fuck if I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day."
How can everyone's money be "hard-earned," and everyone's vacation be "well-deserved?" Sounds like bullshit to me.