Emo Philips Quotes

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."