Random Funny Thoughts

"No Comment" IS a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
How likely is it that all the people that are described as missing are living together in a small town somewhere?
If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
It's a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.
I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.
What is the plural of "Hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?
The only Losers are the people who don't win.
Trying is the first step to failure.
If at first you don't succeed, give up.
Two wrongs don't make a right. It usually takes three or more.
If at first you don't succeed hide all evidence that you tried.
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.
Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
May your life be like toilet paper... Long and useful.
Death is a once in a lifetime experience.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm."
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right!
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
One in every four Americans has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, than its you.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be ran away from.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
When someone makes you unhappy, remember that it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 muscles to lift your arm and slap them upside the head.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.